“To Train Up A Child” chapter by chapter review by Wendy
From the Unprepared
For Parenting board at GentleChristianMothers.com
INTRODUCTION
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With proper training, discipline can be reduced to 5% of what many now practice. |
He's confusing
the words discipline with punishment. We know that discipline = to teach, so I
hope parents do it more than 5% of the time!
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These
truths are not new, deep insights from the professional world of research,
rather, the same principles the Amish use to train their stubborn mules, the same technique God uses to train his children. |
MY CHILD IS NOT A MULE! (yep, I'm shouting) The whole foundation of this book is behaviorism, but we're talking about children, not animals.
SWITCH YOUR KIDS – Chapter 1
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She
doesn't hope to conquer their wills |
God doesn't
conquer our wills, rather he gave us a free will to
exercise.
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My
children want to please me. They try so hard to do everything I say. |
Do we want to
raise our children to be people pleasers?
OBEDIENCE
TRAINING
Again
behavior modification
TENNN--HUTT
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reinforce
submission of the will |
Men in the
military are adults - they choose to join up & follow orders.
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Just
think of the relief it would be if by one command you could gain the
absolute, silent, concentrated attention of all your children. |
I think this is
why the Pearls are so popular with large families. It's much easier than AP -
where you would tailor your discipline to fit each child's temperament, age,
situation, etc.
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instant, unquestioning obedience. |
Good in war, not
in life.
WHOA,
HORSE
Once
again, animal training, not a child. Also, you don't whip a horse to get it to
*stop*.
TRAINING
NOT TO TOUCH
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Remember,
you are not disciplining, you are training. |
He says this a
lot. I think by changing the terminology in your mind, it makes the action more
acceptable. Substitute "spanking" everywhere he says
"training" and more people would reject their teachings.
PLANT
YOUR TREE IN THE MIDST OF THE GARDEN
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Most
children can be brought into complete and joyous subjection in just three
days. |
Is this a good
thing? 
TOUCHY
SITUATIONS
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If
nothing else, training will result in saving you time |
This plays again
to parental convenience - why it would sound good to a large family.
OBEDIENCE
TRAINING--BITING BABIES
Why is physical
pain the only way a child will learn? If a child bites while nursing, stop
nursing. Let them scream, then try again. Another bite, another unlatching. Eventually, they learn.
COME WHEN I
CALL YOU
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The
parent, having assured himself of the child's understanding, once again sets
up the situation and calls the child. |
Just *how* do
you know you have the child's understanding? This is talking about
a 10-12 mo old.
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Thereafter,
until the child leaves home, he is expected to drop everything and come upon
the first call. |
There's
something wrong with this, but I can't name it. It's certainly disrespectful at
the least. But I don't think respecting your child is one of the Pearls'
concerns.
NEVER
TOO YOUNG TO TRAIN
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The battle for control has begun |
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this self-centered demand |
This example is
talking about a newborn! I don't believe an infant is capable of such
manipulation.
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Crying
because of genuine physical need is simply the infant's only voice to the
outside world; but crying in order to manipulate the adults into constant
servitude should never be rewarded. |
But how do you
know for sure which it is? You can't *see* when a child needs to be held. He
even says in the first paragraph
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The
child needs holding, loving and lots of attention, |
STEPS
TO OBEDIENCE
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At
four months she was too unknowing to be punished for disobedience. |
But she can
still be hit with a switch? It's just semantics.
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The
thought of further spankings was disconcerting |
Really?!? Why, Mr.
Pearl??
TRAINING
THE ORNERY AMISH BOY
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Clearly,
the lines were drawn. The battle was in array. |
So, children are
the enemy? Parenting is warfare?
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Either the father would confirm that this one-year-old could rule his parents or the parents would confirm their authority. Everyone's happiness was at stake, as well as the soul of the child. |
How dramatic.
BE
ASSURED OF TWO THINGS
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If parents carefully and consistently train up a child, his or her performance will be as consistently satisfying as that rendered by a well trained seeing-eye dog. |
The
child's *performance*? Yes, I think with this parenting
style, a child will learn to stuff their feelings & put on a good show for
their parents, in order to avoid pain. But what's being internalized?
Behold the Second Woe! – Chapter 2
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What
is the driving force in this child, and how can it be conquered? |
Why should it be
conquered at all? And by the parents?
Chapter 3 – Parental Anger
I Made A Child That I Don't Like
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By taking control and teaching them to control their emotions and to instantly obey, the child will be cheerful and pleasant. |
Happy is the
only acceptable emotion?
Chapter 5 - The Rod
I Love My
Baby Too Much To Spank Him
Why does
this always seem to be what pro-spankers think the #1 reason for non-spankers
is? It's the first objection in Tripp's book too. Maybe some of you mamas are
more gentle minded than I am, but when I am frustrated or angry with my ds,
it's easy to think of spanking & my love for him has nothing to do with it.
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I
observed a child possessed of continual discontent. His mother was vainly
trying to elicit obedience to a simple command. He was miserable, constantly complaining,
whining and angry. The mother, made miserable by the little tyrant's
rebellious antics, was ill-tempered toward him. But she continued to plead
with him as if she were trying to remember what it was she heard about
"positive affirmation" and not "stifling his personal
expression." |
Sounds
to me like the child is hungry or tired, that's all. And the
mom is frustrated.
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"I love my child too much to spank him." The parent who responds thus does not understand: 1) the authority of God's word, 2) the nature of love, 3) his (or her) own feelings, 4) the character of God, or, 5) the needs of the child. |
I have a hard
time rebutting this following section because all his points are based on the
assumption that those who don't spank are "emotionally weak".
God
Spanks His Children
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Those
who out of a magnanimous sense of righteousness choose not to use the rod
are, by inference, condemning God. "For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.
If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as
with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth
not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are
ye bastards, and not sons (Heb. 12:6-8)." |
But how does God
"spank" us? It's not literal. There's no giant hand that appears out
of heaven to come down & swat us on the backside. God may use our
circumstances, etc. to discipline us, but isn't that like what we talk about in
manipulating the environment of the child?
(Also let’s keep in mind that the word translated “chasten” is also translated as "correct" and it means "verbal correction" or the idea of "come let us reason together." –by Crystal Author of Biblical Parenting http://www.aolff.org)
5.
Understanding The Needs Of The Child
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SUMMARY: "They go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies (Psalm 58:3)." The infant, through natural drives for food, cuddling and bodily comfort, soon learns that by falsely representing his need he can gain excessive indulgences. |
I guess he's
interpreting this verse to say that a newborn can deceive & be
manipulative.
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Nevertheless,
infants do lie. |
I don't get it.
Certainly, this is "assigning negative intent". How do you interpret
this verse?
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The rod is your divine enforcer. |
He hasn't made
the case for me that physical pain is the only way a child can learn.
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Understand, we are not suggesting that a child can be trained into the Christian experience, only that the mind and body should be developed to its highest possible natural discipline. This cannot do other than aid the Spirit in convicting them of sin, causing them to realize their need for a Savior. We are talking about the lawful use of the law. |
Huh?
Guilt
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A spanking (whipping, paddling, switching, belting) is indispensable to the removal of guilt in your child. His very conscience (nature) demands punishment. |
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The guilt burdened soul cries out for the lashes and nails of justice. Your child cannot yet understand that the Creator has been lashed and nailed in his place. Only the rod of correction can preserve his soul until the day of moral dawning. |
(This is just not true. Children are innocent until the day of moral
dawning. That is why Jesus said, “Let
the little children come unto me.” I
find nowhere in the Bible that anyone or anything, not even a rod, can preserve
a soul. Only Jesus can do that. – Linda)
Blessed
Guilt
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guilt is only a means to an end, a temporary condition. It's the
soul's pain, as when we touch something hot, designed to give us warning, to
change our actions. |
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Let the guilt come, and then, while they are yet too young to understand, absolve it by means of the rod. When their time comes, the principles of the cross will be easy to grasp. |
Obviously he
doesn't see the rod as "a symbol of authority".
The
Power Of "Absolution."
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The parent holds in his hand (in the form of a little switch) the power to absolve the child of guilt, cleanse his soul, instruct his spirit, strengthen his resolve, and give him a fresh start through a confidence that all indebtedness is paid. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly (Prov. 20:30)." "Inward parts of the belly" is a description of the physical sensations associated with guilt. |
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A
child properly and timely spanked is healed in the soul and restored to
wholeness of spirit. A child can be turned back from the road to hell through
proper spankings. |
(I think that he’s misinterpretating
Proverbs 23:13-14 here. I don’t agree
with his intpretation at all. – Linda)
The
Magic Wand
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After a short explanation about bad attitudes and the need to love, patiently and calmly apply the rod to his back-side. Somehow, after eight or ten licks, the poison is transformed into gushing love and contentment. |
It seems to me that the poison is
transferred deep down in the psych where it will fester until the child grows
up.
Chapter 7 - Philosophy of the
Rod
The Teaching
Rod
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The rod is the parents' main tangible aid to bring the child to understand the judgment of God--and eventually the grace of God. |
So I guess
children must be raised under OT Law until ... (when?) and then in NT
grace?
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Unless all transgression, rebellion and meanness of spirit be treated as God treats sin, the child's world view will be false. |
How does God
treat sin? I guess this is the difference between "law-based" and
"grace-based" discipline.
Chapter 9 - Training Examples
A Switch At Nap Time Saves Mine
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When your baby is tired and sleepy enough to become irritable, don't reinforce irritability by allowing the cause and effect to continue. Put the little one to sleep. But what of the grouch who would rather complain than sleep? Get tough. Be firm with him. Never put him down and then allow him to get up. If, after putting him down, you remember he just woke up, do not reward his complaining by allowing him to get up. For the sake of consistency in training, you must follow through. He may not be able to sleep, but he can be trained to lie there quietly. He will very quickly come to know that any time he is laid down there is no alternative but to stay put. To get up is to be on the firing line and get switched back down. It will become as easy as putting a rag doll to bed. Those who are MOSTLY consistent must use the switch too often. Those who are ALWAYS consistent come to almost never need the switch. |
Ahh, I'm training
my child to be a rag doll. Hmmm. Also, how do adjust
for a growing child who goes from two naps to one nap to no naps? How long do
you switch them & send them back to bed? Since it's the parent who is
determining when the child needs to nap, not the child.
Three-year-old
Mother
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The
other day at our house, a three-year-old little girl was playing with dolls.
..... Up until about a year ago, she was disobedient and spoiled. ..... Today
she is an ideal little girl, always obedient and cheerful. What was
interesting is the role she assumed with her baby. In her imagination the
baby started crying after being given a command. She scolded her baby, turned
her over and spanked her. She then spoke comforting, reassuring words and
praised her baby for being good. She perfectly mimicked the loving, patient
tone and firmness of her own mother. |
The ideal child
is always obedient and cheerful? I don't see attitudes being disciplined, I see
emotions being punished.
As The
Wheel Turn
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After about ten acts of stubborn defiance, followed by ten switchings, he surrendered his will to one higher than himself. In rolling the wheel, he did what every accountable human being must do--he humbled himself before the "highest" and admitted that his interests are not paramount. ..... The surly attitude was all gone. In its place was contentment, thankfulness and a fellowship with his peers. The "rod" had lived up to its Biblical promise. |
Chapter 10 - Safety Training
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Being
a hunting family, we have always had guns around the house. With little ones,
we made sure to keep the guns out of reach. But, with the possibility of
their sooner or later coming in contact with a loaded gun, we trained them
for safety. |
Would a toddler really
know not to touch all guns in all other houses? I remember Dr.
Sears saying somewhere (I've looked & looked but can't find it) that just
because you teach your child not to touch the stove at home, they still won't
know that applies to Grandma's stove. (anyone else
remember this?)
Hot
Stove
Sinking
Feeling
These sections both
describe natural consequences, right?
Snap To
It!
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I
have taught the children to obey first and ask questions later. When they
were small and I put them through paces, they learned to immediately do what
I said. If they ever failed to instantly obey a command, I would
"drill" them. "Sit down. Don't speak until I tell you
to." Understand, I was not taking out
frustrations. It was all done in the utmost pleasantness and usually even
fun. "Stand up," I would say. "Now come here. Go touch the
door." And, before they could get there, "Sit." Plop, down
they would go. "Now, go to your rooms and clean them up." Just like
little, proud soldiers, off they would go to the task. |
But when do the
children get to think for themselves??
And why is
a desire to avoid pain a "good" motivation for obedience? Wouldn't
you rather your children obeyed because they respect you & your authority
over them?
I guess
the children are *secure* in the knowledge that most anything they do other
than sitting still & smiling will result in a whuppin'.
Chapter 13 - Attitude Training
Keeping
Little Hearts
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Training must consider the actions, but discipline should be concerned only with the child's attitude. It is embarrassing to see a parent upset at a child for spilling milk or acting their normal, clumsy self. Judge them as God judges us--by the heart. |
But we are not
God. How can we truly see what is in our child's heart?
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On
the other hand, there are times when there is no disobedience, but the
attitude is completely rotten. A parent must be on guard to discern
attitudes. If we wait until actions become annoying to initiate discipline,
we only deal with the surface symptoms. The root of all sin is in the heart.
Know your child's heart and guard it. "Keep thy heart with all
diligence; for out of it are the issues of life (Prov. 4:23)." It will
be several years before your child can "keep" his or her own heart; until then it is entrusted to you. |
Where does he
get the idea that a parent is to "keep" their child's heart?
Starting
Over
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Grin, you have secret weapons: * A plan * Love * Patience * Reproof * THE ROD OF CORRECTION * Endurance. |
Although he
tosses in love & patience, it's the rod that's given pre-eminence. (those are his capitalizations)
Persistence
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Some
have asked, "But what if the child only screams louder, gets
madder?" Know that if he is accustomed to getting his unrestricted way,
you can expect just such a response. He will just continue to do what he has
always done to get his way. It is his purpose to intimidate you and make you
feel like a crud pile. |
His purpose is
to intimidate & make you feel like crud?? This example is
talking of a 7 mo old!! How can anyone see such
deviousness in an infant, that they could be capable of such manipulation?
They
Better Not Mistreat My Baby
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If
he is roughed-up by his peers, rejoice; he is learning early about the real
world. Don't make a sissy out of him. If you jump to his defense every time
another child takes away a toy, pushes your child down, or even pops him in
the nose, you will rear a social crybaby. |
I can't even put
my thoughts into words to comment on this. Anyone else?
Bad
Attitude
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Bad
attitude is pure bad. For as a child "thinketh
in his heart, so is he (Prov. 23: 7)." "Keep thy heart with all
diligence; for out of it are the issues of life (Prov. 4:23)." If a
child shows the least displeasure in response to a command or duty, it should
be addressed as disobedience. If a child sticks out his lip, you should focus
your training on his bad attitude. The wrong slant of the shoulders reveals a
bad frame of mind. Consider this a sign to instruct, train or discipline. A cheerful,
compliant spirit is the norm. Anything else is a sign of trouble. |
Chapter14 - Emotional Control
The Amish
Family
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When
an Amish family with their twelve children comes over to visit, you would
think it was a Japanese delegation, for all the self-control and order
present. The children are taught to maintain control of their emotions. They
are all respectful of your property and presence. When in the presence of
adults, the children don't talk or play loudly. If hurt, they don't cry
excessively. The children learn to give-over when their rights are trampled
on by another child. This is consistently accomplished through consistent
training and discipline. |
Is it good for
children to be this way? I would expect such behavior from older children, but
what about younger children?
Sounds
like "Children should be seen and not heard."
Crying
Babies, Or Crybabies
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When 'crawlers' or 'scooters' cry, there should be a legitimate reason. If they are hungry, feed them. If they are sleepy, put them down for a nap. If they are truly hurt, give time for the pain to subside. If they are physically uncomfortable, adjust the environment. If they are wet, change them. If they are afraid, hold them close. If they are grouching, discipline them to get control of their self-centeredness. If they are mad, switch them. Don't let your child stay unhappy. Meet the real needs and make their selfish crying an unrewarding experience. |
Again,
"happy is the only acceptable emotion."
Chapter 17 - Religious Whips
Good Memories
Are Welcomed
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The
school Principal did the really serious paddling when I was in school. I have
lived nearly a half century and still feel apprehensive going into the office
at a public school. He and I had a couple of serious encounters. One of these
days I am going to make an effigy of a school principal and then tell him to
bend over and grab his ankles. |
So after 50
years, he's still holding a grudge? But he expects his children to be happy
& thank him for the same treatment?
Concluding TTUAC
I finally finished reading TTUAC.
I didn't have any comments on the last couple chapters, so I thought I'd share
some general comments here.
Amy
(wholly mama) expressed interest in doing an in-depth critique of the book, so
I just started reading & posting my comments off the top of my head as
certain sections jumped out at me. I didn't try to do any analysis for
rebuttal, although that's something that will be needed.
If anyone
else has been reading along in the book, I'd love to see your thoughts &
comments on it. Feel free to use the chapter threads I've started, even if
you're addressing a section I didn't. Or start your own post.
If you
haven't been reading the book, there are huge sections & even whole
chapters that I didn't comment on, for one of the following reasons:
1) It
wasn't pertinent - ex. a chapter on Infant Potty Training
2) I only
had one comment & it was redundant to a point I made elsewhere
3) He was
sharing an example based on Premise A, leading to Point B and Point C. Because
I disagreed with the assumption of Premise A, there was no point in debating B
& C.
4) I
agreed with him.
In all
fairness, I feel I need to say that this is not a "totally evil
book". There are quite a few things in there that are truthful & good.
He does stress getting to know your child, doing things with them they like to
do, being their friend, loving them, teaching them.
But as others have said, the good that is in there can be found in other
sources that do not have all the bad with it.
Phew! Now
I'm ready to detox with a re-reading of Biblical Parenting. 
Anyone want to
join me in that?
_________________
~Wendy
(Thanks to Wendy for allowing me to post her insightful comments here - Linda)