“To Train Up A Child” chapter by chapter review by Wendy
From the Unprepared For
Parenting board at http://www.gentlemothering.com
INTRODUCTION
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With proper training, discipline can be reduced to 5% of what many now practice. |
He's confusing the words
discipline with punishment. We know that discipline = to teach, so I hope
parents do it more than 5% of the time!
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These truths
are not new, deep insights from the professional world of research, rather,
the same principles the Amish use to train their stubborn mules, the same
technique God uses to train his children. |
MY CHILD IS NOT A MULE! (yep, I'm shouting) The whole foundation of this book is behaviorism, but we're talking about children, not animals.
SWITCH YOUR KIDS
– Chapter 1
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She doesn't
hope to conquer their wills |
God doesn't conquer our wills,
rather he gave us a free will to exercise.
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My children
want to please me. They try so hard to do everything I say. |
Do we want to raise our
children to be people pleasers?
OBEDIENCE TRAINING
Again behavior
modification
TENNN--HUTT
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reinforce
submission of the will |
Men in the military are adults
- they choose to join up & follow orders.
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Just think
of the relief it would be if by one command you could gain the absolute,
silent, concentrated attention of all your children. |
I think this is why the Pearls
are so popular with large families. It's much easier than AP - where you would
tailor your discipline to fit each child's temperament, age, situation, etc.
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instant,
unquestioning obedience. |
Good in war, not in life.
WHOA, HORSE
Once again, animal
training, not a child. Also, you don't whip a horse to get it to *stop*.
TRAINING NOT TO TOUCH
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Remember,
you are not disciplining, you are training. |
He says this a lot. I think by
changing the terminology in your mind, it makes the action more acceptable.
Substitute "spanking" everywhere he says "training" and
more people would reject their teachings.
PLANT YOUR TREE IN THE
MIDST OF THE GARDEN
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Most children
can be brought into complete and joyous subjection in just three days. |
Is this a good thing? 
TOUCHY SITUATIONS
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If nothing else,
training will result in saving you time |
This plays again to parental
convenience - why it would sound good to a large family.
OBEDIENCE
TRAINING--BITING BABIES
Why is physical pain the only
way a child will learn? If a child bites while nursing, stop nursing. Let them
scream, then try again. Another bite, another unlatching. Eventually, they
learn.
COME WHEN I CALL YOU
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The parent, having
assured himself of the child's understanding, once again sets up the
situation and calls the child. |
Just *how* do you know you have
the child's understanding? This is talking about a 10-12 mo old.
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Thereafter, until
the child leaves home, he is expected to drop everything and come upon the
first call. |
There's something wrong with
this, but I can't name it. It's certainly disrespectful at the least. But I don't
think respecting your child is one of the Pearls' concerns.
NEVER TOO YOUNG TO
TRAIN
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The battle for control has begun |
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this self-centered demand |
This example is talking about a
newborn! I don't believe an infant is capable of such manipulation.
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Crying
because of genuine physical need is simply the infant's only voice to the
outside world; but crying in order to manipulate the adults into constant
servitude should never be rewarded. |
But how do you know for sure
which it is? You can't *see* when a child needs to be held. He even says in the
first paragraph
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The child
needs holding, loving and lots of attention, |
STEPS TO OBEDIENCE
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At four
months she was too unknowing to be punished for disobedience. |
But she can still be hit with a
switch? It's just semantics.
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The thought
of further spankings was disconcerting |
Really?!? Why, Mr. Pearl??
TRAINING THE ORNERY
AMISH BOY
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Clearly, the
lines were drawn. The battle was in array. |
So, children are the enemy?
Parenting is warfare?
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Either the father would confirm that this one-year-old could rule his parents or the parents would confirm their authority. Everyone's happiness was at stake, as well as the soul of the child. |
How dramatic.
BE ASSURED OF TWO
THINGS
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If parents carefully and consistently train up a child, his or her performance will be as consistently satisfying as that rendered by a well trained seeing-eye dog. |
The child's *performance*? Yes,
I think with this parenting style, a child will learn to stuff their feelings
& put on a good show for their parents, in order to avoid pain. But what's
being internalized?
Behold the Second
Woe! – Chapter 2
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What is the
driving force in this child, and how can it be conquered? |
Why should it be conquered at all?
And by the parents?
Chapter 3 –
Parental Anger
I Made A Child That I Don't
Like
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By taking control and teaching them to control their emotions and to instantly obey, the child will be cheerful and pleasant. |
Happy is the only acceptable
emotion?
Chapter 5 - The Rod
I Love My Baby Too Much To
Spank Him
Why does this always seem
to be what pro-spankers think the #1 reason for non-spankers is? It's the first
objection in Tripp's book too. Maybe some of you mamas are more gentle minded
than I am, but when I am frustrated or angry with my ds, it's easy to think of
spanking & my love for him has nothing to do with it.
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I observed a
child possessed of continual discontent. His mother was vainly trying to
elicit obedience to a simple command. He was miserable, constantly
complaining, whining and angry. The mother, made miserable by the little
tyrant's rebellious antics, was ill-tempered toward him. But she continued to
plead with him as if she were trying to remember what it was she heard about
"positive affirmation" and not "stifling his personal
expression." |
Sounds to me like the child is hungry
or tired, that's all. And the mom is frustrated.
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"I love my child too much to spank him." The parent who responds thus does not understand: 1) the authority of God's word, 2) the nature of love, 3) his (or her) own feelings, 4) the character of God, or, 5) the needs of the child. |
I have a hard time rebutting
this following section because all his points are based on the assumption that
those who don't spank are "emotionally weak".
God Spanks His
Children
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Those who out
of a magnanimous sense of righteousness choose not to use the rod are, by
inference, condemning God. "For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and
scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth
with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But
if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye
bastards, and not sons (Heb. 12:6-8)." |
But how does God
"spank" us? It's not literal. There's no giant hand that appears out
of heaven to come down & swat us on the backside. God may use our
circumstances, etc. to discipline us, but isn't that like what we talk about in
manipulating the environment of the child?
(Also let’s keep in mind that the word translated “chasten” is also translated as "correct" and it means "verbal correction" or the idea of "come let us reason together." –by Crystal Author of Biblical Parenting http://www.aolff.org)
5. Understanding The
Needs Of The Child
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SUMMARY: "They go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies (Psalm 58:3)." The infant, through natural drives for food, cuddling and bodily comfort, soon learns that by falsely representing his need he can gain excessive indulgences. |
I guess he's interpreting this
verse to say that a newborn can deceive & be manipulative.
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Nevertheless,
infants do lie. |
I don't get it. Certainly, this
is "assigning negative intent". How do you interpret this verse?
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The rod is your divine enforcer. |
He hasn't made the case for me that
physical pain is the only way a child can learn.
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Understand, we are not suggesting that a child can be trained into the Christian experience, only that the mind and body should be developed to its highest possible natural discipline. This cannot do other than aid the Spirit in convicting them of sin, causing them to realize their need for a Savior. We are talking about the lawful use of the law. |
Huh?
Guilt
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A spanking (whipping, paddling, switching, belting) is indispensable to the removal of guilt in your child. His very conscience (nature) demands punishment. |
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The guilt burdened soul cries out for the lashes and nails of justice. Your child cannot yet understand that the Creator has been lashed and nailed in his place. Only the rod of correction can preserve his soul until the day of moral dawning. |
(This is just not true. Children are innocent until the day of moral
dawning. That is why Jesus said,
“Let the little children come unto me.” I find nowhere in the Bible that anyone or
anything, not even a rod, can preserve a soul.
Only Jesus can do that. – Linda)
Blessed Guilt
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guilt is only
a means to an end, a temporary condition. It's the soul's pain, as when we
touch something hot, designed to give us warning, to change our actions. |
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Let the guilt come, and then, while they are yet too young to understand, absolve it by means of the rod. When their time comes, the principles of the cross will be easy to grasp. |
Obviously he doesn't see the
rod as "a symbol of authority".
The Power Of "Absolution."
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The parent holds in his hand (in the form of a little switch) the power to absolve the child of guilt, cleanse his soul, instruct his spirit, strengthen his resolve, and give him a fresh start through a confidence that all indebtedness is paid. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly (Prov. 20:30)." "Inward parts of the belly" is a description of the physical sensations associated with guilt. |
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A child properly
and timely spanked is healed in the soul and restored to wholeness of spirit.
A child can be turned back from the road to hell through proper spankings. |
(I think that he’s misinterpretating Proverbs
23:13-14 here. I don’t agree with his
intpretation at all. – Linda)
The Magic Wand
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After a short explanation about bad attitudes and the need to love, patiently and calmly apply the rod to his back-side. Somehow, after eight or ten licks, the poison is transformed into gushing love and contentment. |
It seems to me that the poison is transferred deep
down in the psych where it will fester until the child grows up.
Chapter 7 - Philosophy of the Rod
The Teaching Rod
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The rod is the parents' main tangible aid to bring the child to understand the judgment of God--and eventually the grace of God. |
So I guess children must be
raised under OT Law until ... (when?) and then in NT grace?
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Unless all transgression, rebellion and meanness of spirit be treated as God treats sin, the child's world view will be false. |
How does God treat sin? I guess
this is the difference between "law-based" and
"grace-based" discipline.
Chapter 9 - Training Examples
A Switch At Nap Time Saves
Mine
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When your baby is tired and sleepy enough to become irritable, don't reinforce irritability by allowing the cause and effect to continue. Put the little one to sleep. But what of the grouch who would rather complain than sleep? Get tough. Be firm with him. Never put him down and then allow him to get up. If, after putting him down, you remember he just woke up, do not reward his complaining by allowing him to get up. For the sake of consistency in training, you must follow through. He may not be able to sleep, but he can be trained to lie there quietly. He will very quickly come to know that any time he is laid down there is no alternative but to stay put. To get up is to be on the firing line and get switched back down. It will become as easy as putting a rag doll to bed. Those who are MOSTLY consistent must use the switch too often. Those who are ALWAYS consistent come to almost never need the switch. |
Ahh, I'm training my child to
be a rag doll. Hmmm. Also, how do adjust for a growing child who goes from two
naps to one nap to no naps? How long do you switch them & send them back to
bed? Since it's the parent who is determining when the child needs to nap, not
the child.
Three-year-old Mother
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The other
day at our house, a three-year-old little girl was playing with dolls. .....
Up until about a year ago, she was disobedient and spoiled. ..... Today she is
an ideal little girl, always obedient and cheerful. What was interesting is
the role she assumed with her baby. In her imagination the baby started
crying after being given a command. She scolded her baby, turned her over and
spanked her. She then spoke comforting, reassuring words and praised her baby
for being good. She perfectly mimicked the loving, patient tone and firmness
of her own mother. |
The ideal child is always
obedient and cheerful? I don't see attitudes being disciplined, I see emotions
being punished.
As The Wheel Turn
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After about ten acts of stubborn defiance, followed by ten switchings, he surrendered his will to one higher than himself. In rolling the wheel, he did what every accountable human being must do--he humbled himself before the "highest" and admitted that his interests are not paramount. ..... The surly attitude was all gone. In its place was contentment, thankfulness and a fellowship with his peers. The "rod" had lived up to its Biblical promise. |
Chapter 10 - Safety Training
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Being a
hunting family, we have always had guns around the house. With little ones,
we made sure to keep the guns out of reach. But, with the possibility of their
sooner or later coming in contact with a loaded gun, we trained them for
safety. |
Would a toddler really
know not to touch all guns in all other houses? I remember Dr.
Sears saying somewhere (I've looked & looked but can't find it) that just
because you teach your child not to touch the stove at home, they still won't know
that applies to Grandma's stove. (anyone else remember this?)
Hot Stove
Sinking Feeling
These sections both
describe natural consequences, right?
Snap To It!
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I have taught
the children to obey first and ask questions later. When they were small and
I put them through paces, they learned to immediately do what I said. If they
ever failed to instantly obey a command, I would "drill" them.
"Sit down. Don't speak until I tell you to." Understand, I was not
taking out frustrations. It was all done in the utmost pleasantness and
usually even fun. "Stand up," I would say. "Now come here. Go
touch the door." And, before they could get there, "Sit."
Plop, down they would go. "Now, go to your rooms and clean them
up." Just like little, proud soldiers, off they would go to the task. |
But when do the children get to
think for themselves??
And why is a desire to
avoid pain a "good" motivation for obedience? Wouldn't you rather
your children obeyed because they respect you & your authority over them?
I guess the children are
*secure* in the knowledge that most anything they do other than sitting still
& smiling will result in a whuppin'. 
Chapter 13 - Attitude Training
Keeping Little Hearts
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Training must consider the actions, but discipline should be concerned only with the child's attitude. It is embarrassing to see a parent upset at a child for spilling milk or acting their normal, clumsy self. Judge them as God judges us--by the heart. |
But we are not God. How
can we truly see what is in our child's heart?
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On the other
hand, there are times when there is no disobedience, but the attitude is
completely rotten. A parent must be on guard to discern attitudes. If we wait
until actions become annoying to initiate discipline, we only deal with the
surface symptoms. The root of all sin is in the heart. Know your child's
heart and guard it. "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it
are the issues of life (Prov. 4:23)." It will be several years before
your child can "keep" his or her own heart; until then it is
entrusted to you. |
Where does he get the idea that
a parent is to "keep" their child's heart?
Starting Over
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Grin, you have secret weapons: * A plan * Love * Patience * Reproof * THE ROD OF CORRECTION * Endurance. |
Although he tosses in love
& patience, it's the rod that's given pre-eminence. (those are his
capitalizations)
Persistence
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Some have
asked, "But what if the child only screams louder, gets madder?"
Know that if he is accustomed to getting his unrestricted way, you can expect
just such a response. He will just continue to do what he has always done to
get his way. It is his purpose to intimidate you and make you feel like a
crud pile. |
His purpose is to intimidate
& make you feel like crud?? This example is talking of a 7 mo old!! How can anyone
see such deviousness in an infant, that they could be capable of such
manipulation?
They Better Not
Mistreat My Baby
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If he is
roughed-up by his peers, rejoice; he is learning early about the real world.
Don't make a sissy out of him. If you jump to his defense every time another
child takes away a toy, pushes your child down, or even pops him in the nose,
you will rear a social crybaby. |
I can't even put my thoughts
into words to comment on this. Anyone else?
Bad Attitude
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Bad attitude
is pure bad. For as a child "thinketh in his heart, so is he (Prov. 23:
7)." "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the
issues of life (Prov. 4:23)." If a child shows the least displeasure in
response to a command or duty, it should be addressed as disobedience. If a
child sticks out his lip, you should focus your training on his bad attitude.
The wrong slant of the shoulders reveals a bad frame of mind. Consider this a
sign to instruct, train or discipline. A cheerful, compliant spirit is the
norm. Anything else is a sign of trouble. |
Chapter14 - Emotional Control
The Amish Family
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When an
Amish family with their twelve children comes over to visit, you would think
it was a Japanese delegation, for all the self-control and order present. The
children are taught to maintain control of their emotions. They are all
respectful of your property and presence. When in the presence of adults, the
children don't talk or play loudly. If hurt, they don't cry excessively. The
children learn to give-over when their rights are trampled on by another
child. This is consistently accomplished through consistent training and
discipline. |
Is it good for children to be
this way? I would expect such behavior from older children, but what about
younger children?
Sounds like
"Children should be seen and not heard."
Crying Babies, Or
Crybabies
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When 'crawlers' or 'scooters' cry, there should be a legitimate reason. If they are hungry, feed them. If they are sleepy, put them down for a nap. If they are truly hurt, give time for the pain to subside. If they are physically uncomfortable, adjust the environment. If they are wet, change them. If they are afraid, hold them close. If they are grouching, discipline them to get control of their self-centeredness. If they are mad, switch them. Don't let your child stay unhappy. Meet the real needs and make their selfish crying an unrewarding experience. |
Again, "happy is the only
acceptable emotion."
Chapter 17 - Religious Whips
Good Memories Are Welcomed
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The school
Principal did the really serious paddling when I was in school. I have lived
nearly a half century and still feel apprehensive going into the office at a public
school. He and I had a couple of serious encounters. One of these days I am
going to make an effigy of a school principal and then tell him to bend over
and grab his ankles. |
So after 50 years, he's still
holding a grudge? But he expects his children to be happy & thank him for
the same treatment?
Concluding TTUAC
I finally finished
reading TTUAC. I didn't have any comments on the last couple chapters,
so I thought I'd share some general comments here.
Amy (wholly mama)
expressed interest in doing an in-depth critique of the book, so I just started
reading & posting my comments off the top of my head as certain sections
jumped out at me. I didn't try to do any analysis for rebuttal, although that's
something that will be needed.
If anyone else has been
reading along in the book, I'd love to see your thoughts & comments on it.
Feel free to use the chapter threads I've started, even if you're addressing a
section I didn't. Or start your own post.
If you haven't been
reading the book, there are huge sections & even whole chapters that I
didn't comment on, for one of the following reasons:
1) It wasn't pertinent -
ex. a chapter on Infant Potty Training
2) I only had one comment
& it was redundant to a point I made elsewhere
3) He was sharing an example
based on Premise A, leading to Point B and Point C. Because I disagreed with
the assumption of Premise A, there was no point in debating B & C.
4) I agreed with him.
In all fairness, I feel I
need to say that this is not a "totally evil book". There are quite a
few things in there that are truthful & good. He does stress getting to
know your child, doing things with them they like to do, being their friend,
loving them, teaching them. But as others have said, the good that is in there
can be found in other sources that do not have all the bad with it.
Phew! Now I'm ready to
detox with a re-reading of Biblical Parenting. 
Anyone want to join me in that?
_________________
~Wendy
(Thanks to Wendy for allowing me to post her insightful comments here - Linda)