I think
that all parents want to be good ones. Realizing the enormous
responsibility we have for our children causes us to examine our
own upbringing, our relationships, our strengths and weaknesses,
and do all that we can to give our very best to the precious life
that is entrusted to us.
I started reading everything I could in pregnancy. I pored over
magazines and books, studying everything from feeding to methods
for helping us all to sleep. I asked questions about vaccinations
and car seats. My husband didn't read all the stuff I did, but
seemed to know intuitively things that I didn't get until after
hours of research. I remember my surprise when he first mentioned
that he would never spank our children.
My first thought was that the Bible teaches parents to spank. I
knew that my husband's relationship with God was the very center
of his life. His undergraduate degree was in theology, and he was
passionate about his love for the Bible. How on earth could he,
of all people, not follow such a clear instruction from God's
Word?
So I began to study the issue of discipline, as well. As a
language instructor, I appreciate what a difference the precise
word can make, and the ways cultural bias influence translation
and perceptions. I was intrigued to learn that the Hebrew words
in the Proverbs passages did not refer to spanking at all. The
more I looked into it, the more I was convinced that the Bible
does not specifically teach spanking anywhere.
While learning that the Bible doesn't command us to spank was a
turning point, I still didn't know what I should do. As I prayed,
I felt that the Holy Spirit asked me to stop and think about how
God disciplined me. How, exactly, did Jesus make me a disciple?
Until then, I was still looking at things from a punishment
viewpoint. If physical punishment was out, then I would have to
rely on other forms. However, I couldn't recall a single time in
which God had punished me. He had corrected me many times, and
there had been times when my stubbornness had resulted in
unpleasant consequences. But never had God specifically done
anything to hurt me.
As I looked back at His discipline, I was overwhelmed by the
grace, mercy and patience that He had showered on my life. From
the very beginning, with the Cross, every action seemed designed
with one purpose: to restore relationship, to draw me to Him, and
to change my heart. In areas where I messed up, He was patient
and persistent in lovingly drawing me back.
I had memorized Romans 6 as a child. I know that as believers we
are called to holiness. Suddenly, though, something was
illuminated in my heart. Freedom from sin didn't come from being
afraid of punishment. I didn't stop sinning because I was scared
of what God would do to me. It came as He filled my heart with
love for Him. I had something so much more satisfying in Him that
the sin lost it's appeal.
Jesus commanded me to treat others the way I would wish to be
treated. I would want correction if I were making a mistake, but
I wouldn't want to be hit. I learn better from His love, patience
and instruction, which give me the heart-desire to please Him.
I also keep coming back to the fact Jesus said that whatever we
do to the smallest of these, we do to Him. What a transforming
thought! Suddenly, everything from nightwakings to diaper changes
to patience with age-expected behaviors looked very different.
I'm going to be very honest about another point with shifting to
grace-based discipline. It is very easy for me to fall into
arrogance and pride, demanding obedience simply because it is
convenient for me, and reacting to their mistakes harshly.
Spanking would have been an easy way for me to justify revenge on
my children for not catering to my pride. Yet that isn't the way
Jesus treated the disciples. It isn't the way He treats me. His
example was one of humility and service. He washed their feet. He
explained things over and over, even if they should have gotten
it the first time. He taught by example.
It is exciting to see that as I try to follow Him, my children
are so much more willing to follow me. Just as I choose to obey
God because of the love in our relationship, my children are
choosing to obey because of the love and trust they have. They
still make mistakes, too, but grace is binding our hearts
together.
Parenting is a touchy issue. Because we want so desperately to do
the right thing, we become very sensitive to any perceived
criticism. When I share with others about our journey in gentle
discipline, it isn't because I think I am a better person or
parent. It is because I know that thirsty feeling that there must
be an alternative to hitting our children, something that follows
the way Jesus told us to treat others. I am so grateful to all
the parents who shared with me, and encouraged me to seek His
heart in this.
If you are searching for more in the issue of discipline, I want
to remind you of Isaiah 40:11. As we seek Him, picture how He
gathers our little ones in His arms, and carries them close to
His heart, and gently leads us in our parenting journey.
By Dulce Chalé