This is from a letter that Carlos and I wrote
awhile back on spanking. I shared it on a couple of sites where I
posted and have been surprised at how widely it has been shared.
While we are learning as parents every day, even the difficult
moments have reinforced our belief that the best parenting
philosophy is very simple--treating our children as we would wish
to be treated.
Dear Pastor,
We are so grateful for all of the ways that you have helped us to
connect in a closer way with God. This of course has had a
profound influence on our parenting. Yet, in light of a recent
sermon, we would like to present to you an alternative Christian
view on disciplining children. Christians, of course, are
probably the strongest proponents of spanking in the US. It is,
so they say, their God given right---it's what the Bible teaches.
That is exactly the point of contention and what we hope to
humbly disprove.
Let's take the Old Testament. Some (our more literal-interpreting
brothers) would say that it covers a period of about 4000-10,000
years; others (our more moderate and liberal brothers), anywhere
between 10,000 to millions and millions of years. Irrespective of
which view you hold, it has to be astounding that there is not
one example of spanking in the whole Old Testament. This is
especially impressive when you consider the large percentage of
OT books which are more narrative than didactic. We might also
add that there is no example of spanking in the New Testament,
even though the time period is significantly shorter (around 100
years) and the majority of the books are didactic and not
narrative. Now certainly there are some didactic passages in both
Testaments that can be construed as being pro-spanking, however,
they can be interpreted in a different light with sound exegesis.
Strange, isn’t it, for a teaching that is so adamantly held
by so many believers that it is not illustrated once in either
Testament? But, even if no narrative biblical passage illustrates
spanking, if it is plainly and consistently taught in didactic
passages, then we must accept it as God ordained. In the Old
Testament the only passages that can be construed as being
pro-spanking are found in only one book: Proverbs. A good
hermeneutical principal is to not build doctrine on poetic
passages. The wisdom books are full of symbolism and hyperbole
and are often a stumbling block to the more literal interpreting
readers. The “rod” in these Proverbs passages that so
many see as a license to spank is symbolic. This Hebrew word is
often translated as shepherd’s “staff/rod” or
king’s “scepter”. So, if we were to be more
literal, a closer translation would be bat and not twig! But that
is not the author’s intent. This “rod” is a symbol
of authority and guidance, like a shepherd guiding his sheep or a
king governing his people. This is why the Psalmist could
joyfully exclaim: “thy rod and thy staff, they comfort
me” (Psalm 23:4). We do not wish to pass over this lightly,
because these verses are the foundation of the Christian
pro-spanking argument. However, to avoid repetition, we ask that
you read the following links www.gracefulparenting.blogspot.com and www.aolff.org for a detailed analysis of these
passages.
It is somewhat puzzling that the people who insist that spanking
is Old Testament mandated claim the passages from a poetic book,
yet dismiss clear instructions from a didactic passage in the
Torah to stone rebellious children (Deut. 21:18-21). Why the
inconsistency? You claim that one passage is obviously morally
wrong. We submit that both are morally wrong, especially in light
of the culmination of God’s progressive revelation---Jesus
Christ, who taught us, among other things, that unless we
“become like little children” we can never enter the
kingdom of heaven (Mt. 18:3. See also Mt. 19:14). Implication:
children are more in tune with God than adults. Which raises the
question: should the unrighteous be punishing the righteous?
While the Old Testament is of great value, we recognize that no
longer being under the Law changes how we apply some of the OT
Scriptures to our daily lives. So even if spanking is Old
Testament taught that doesn’t mean it is New Testament
endorsed. Throughout the New Testament the one passage used to
support spanking is Hebrews 12:4-6. Going back to the original
language there, however, also changes the meaning to the
importance of discipline and authority in shaping a child, not
physical punishment. God certainly disciplines us but He
doesn’t physically hit us when he does. Read the text.
Proper exegesis shows that the pro-spanking people simply choose
to read into this passage the very point they need to prove.
So, if there are no passages in either Testament that truly
encourage spanking, then we must evaluate discipline according to
other principles that the Bible teaches clearly. Jesus teaches us
that we have two goals: to love God with all that we are, and to
treat others the way we would like to be treated. Nowhere does He
imply that His words do not apply to how we treat children. In
fact, His interactions with children showed a special effort to
value them and their feelings. He also tells us that whatever we
do to the least of these we are doing to Him. Can you honestly
say that you would want someone to hit you? I can't. I can say
truthfully that I would want loving correction and instruction if
I were doing something wrong, but being
hit/spanked/popped/smacked
Jesus’ example was that the one in authority had an even
greater responsibility to act in love than the one under
authority. We are to demonstrate the Fruit of the Spirit. Yet how
is hitting a child compatible with the peace, patience, kindness
and gentleness in which we are called to walk? The Bible is very
specific about how we should deal with sin in others: We are
taught that in correcting those who disobey to do so gently (Gal.
6:1). Parents are specifically cautioned to not cause their
children to lose heart (Eph. 6:4). Having the people you love
most in the world deliberately hurt you is pretty disheartening,
regardless of any lofty motives they may claim.
The Bible is clear that parents have a responsibility to
discipline their children. But discipline and spanking are not
the same thing. Discipline is about making disciples, or
teaching. It is difficult for children to focus on a life-lesson,
though, if they are distracted by the anger, hurt, fear,
humiliation and resentment that result from being hit. As career
teachers, our professional education classes and our years of
experience with students of many ages have convinced us that the
research is correct in showing that people learn more effectively
through positive reinforcement than from punishment (negative
reinforcement). You have seen this in the family of Kevan and
Heather ********, whose children are delightful to be around.
They do not spank, but instead practice gentle discipline.
Another important point is that most of us are able to learn best
from example--that is why Paul wrote to be imitators of him as
beloved children. Kids are expert mimics. Too many children in
our nation are learning that the way to respond to an offense is
to hurt the offender. “Turning the other cheek” is not
supposed to mean baring a child’s bottom. We recognize that
in other relationships of authority (employer/employee, police
officer/civilian, pastor/church member, husband/wife) that
physical punishment is inappropriate, even when correction is
needed. Children are even more vulnerable—surely we can find
better ways to correct them, as well.
When Christians teach spanking, the majority has several cute
euphemisms to describe it and a list of guidelines as to how,
when, and with what. There is absolutely no Biblical basis for
any of them—they are essentially cultural. Whether you call
it spanking, popping, smacking or hitting, they all mean to
strike a child in order to produce pain and fear. Why do we feel
the need to create so many guidelines: spank only on the bottom
or legs, only X number of times, only with your hand/a switch/a
paddle/PVC pipe (Michael and Debi Pearl, some of the most popular
writers on spanking in Christian circles, advocate plastic
plumbing pipe, and we were given a copy of their book by a
pediatrician!). Is spanking on the bottom any better than the
Waorani practice of slapping their children in the face with
stinging nettles? Why, if neither results in permanent injury? If
God didn’t impose a limit on the number of times we strike a
child, who is to say that 9 times is worse than 2? While not
spanking in anger is at least more likely to avoid a total loss
of control and avert serious physical injury, watching the person
you love and trust more than any other calmly and deliberately
choose to hurt you is a chilling experience.
I would submit that the reason behind the euphemisms and rules
that Christians create is that our conscience is condemning us.
We are aware on some level that hurting those who are smaller and
weaker goes against the nature of Christ, and feel a need to
justify and minimize what we are actually doing.
Another issue with spanking is that as the child grows, the
spankings must get harder and longer in order to produce the same
level of pain and fear. When do they eventually start to cross
the line into abuse? Of course, most parents stop spanking once
the child begins to approach them in size and maturity. We agree
that then it is more appropriate to use the Biblical admonition,
“Come now, let us reason together…”. If the child
is old enough to reason, spanking is unnecessary. If the child is
too young to reason, then the child is too young to effectively
understand what the parents are trying to teach, and the spanking
is both cruel and pointless.
The false dichotomy that always pops up is that if parents
don’t spank, they are not disciplining their children. That
suggests that parents are relying on spanking as their main or
only form of discipline. Permissive, lazy parenting is neglect.
The responsibility given to parents is a great, even fearsome
one. By choosing not to spank, we have gained deeper insight into
our children’s hearts. It has challenged us to deal with
anger and pride, and earnestly seek God’s wisdom, patience
and love. Proactive parenting is more “work” than
spanking, but already the rewards have been great.
There are so many alternative ways to discipline that result in
harmony and renewed connection between the parent and child.
Teaching a child to do right is much more effective than
executing judgment for doing wrong. When we as parents obey our
directive to treat others as we want to be treated, it causes us
to get behind the eyes of the child and deal with the root of the
problem rather than just suppressing an outward behavior. It is
amazing to see a cycle of irritability and frustration break when
the parent chooses to discipline by restoring relationship. Many
parents assume a time-out is the default choice if parents
don’t spank. However, often what children need is more time
WITH the parents to reconnect, reassure and restore. Without
turning an already lengthy letter into a book, if you are
interested in other approaches, we would be happy to explain how
we handle specific situations or direct you to sources that we
have found beneficial.
The plan behind redemption is clear: God wants to reconnect with
us. All of the history of the Law shows that merely punishing sin
doesn't change the heart. What changes the hearts of our children
is relationship. Obedience grows out of love and trust rather
than a self-centered desire to avoid punishment. If children obey
simply out of fear of being spanked, their motivation isn’t
righteous, but only self-centered.
As a child of God, my choice for obedience isn't based on a fear
of punishment. It isn't a get-out-of-hell-free card for me. It is
because I love Him and have learned to trust Him. My children are
learning to obey for the same reasons. If my children do wrong
and repent, for me to go ahead and hit them seems very
inconsistent with the way that God has forgiven my mistakes. I
have a responsibility to show the same grace toward my kids that
I have received. It is God's kindness that leads us to
repentance, not His wrath.
We have chosen to look at this from a Christian perspective, but
we find it interesting that the research is overwhelmingly
against spanking. The American Academy of Pediatrics, like many
other professional organizations involving children and health,
has issued a statement against corporal punishment on the grounds
that it is not nearly as effective as positive reinforcement and
that it can be harmful physically and emotionally. In fact, there
are some indications that spanking is associated with increased
delinquent and antisocial behavior, increased risk of child abuse
and spousal abuse, increased risk of child and adult aggression,
decreased child mental health and decreased adult mental health.
Consider this in the light of Jesus’ warning against causing
little ones to stumble.
Sometimes it is difficult to discern what the Bible teaches on
specific issues. You have often used the illustration of God
playing hide and seek in order to encourage us to dig deeper and
seek Him with all of our hearts. On the topic of spanking, He has
given us glimpses of His heart--the parable of the unmerciful
servant (Mt. 18:21-35), I John 4, James 2:13. None of these
suggest ignoring or excusing sin, but they all teach us to be
humble and loving as we show others, regardless of their age, a
better way.
In closing, we chose to write this to you because of our respect
for you. We know that you are someone who has the courage to look
beyond the easy, superficial answers and the integrity to hold
convictions that may not be popular. Believe us, in Christian
circles not spanking is tantamount to heresy, but it is a very
worthy cause. We humbly suggest that spanking is just another
religiously transmitted disease. We love you and your family and
are grateful that God has placed us under your spiritual
leadership. May God bless you and your family.